Counselor To Parents: Are You Doing It Wrong?
I read a blog post today titled “Physician To Parents: You’re Doing it Wrong” by Leonard Sax. As a parent coach and a parent of twins I am always curious to see what all of us parents are doing wrong now, so I read it. In the end, he made some good points. He talks about a culture of American parents who allow their children to make adult decisions that they are not prepared to make for themselves. He talks about a culture of parents who work too hard to please their children. He talks about a culture where we focus more on keeping the peace in our home than we do on teaching values. And he blames the “parenting experts” for selling parents a bill of goods by suggesting that we give kids choices and avoid saying no. He says that parents are unable to put a period at the end of their sentences anymore—everything is a question. He gives six parenting strategies that, I’m assuming, he believes will solve this parenting challenge for good. And while they are great ideas that most families could benefit from, they aren’t the end of the story-- by a long shot.
Dr. Sax is really blaming parenting approaches like Love and Logic for this corrosion of parenting boundaries (although he doesn’t mention it by name). It's not the first time I've heard this concern. Talking to a friend of mine the other day she mentioned her perspective on Love and Logic. “I give them choices,” she said, “do what I say or get spanked”. Many of the parents I work with have gone to Love and Logic classes, or something similar and say “I just don’t understand how I was supposed to give him a choice in that situation. Shouldn’t I just be the parent and say no?" My Au Pair from Columbia was told during her training that many American parents take an approach where they don’t say “no” to their children. Oh my! We parents have gotten awful confused, haven’t we?
So let me sort some things out for folks. It is far more likely that parents who believe that they ALWAYS have to give their children choices or that they can NEVER say ‘no’ have been trained badly or have misunderstood the training they received. I am not familiar with ANY parenting approach that suggests these things. But so many parents walk away with that belief that I can only imagine that the trainers have lead these parents astray. While there is not enough space in this blog to touch on all of my thoughts on this issue, there is enough space to talk about four important things that I discuss with all of my parents.
One Size Fits All? The problem with parenting books and group training is that they can give the indication that one approach will work for all kids and all families. This is simply not true. At 9 months old what works for one of my boys doesn’t work for the other most of the time. While taking a class in Love and Logic or Triple P or reading a book may give you ideas, if you’re truly struggling you may want individual support to develop a plan that fits your values and your child’s temperament. While the theory behind Love and Logic works for most kids, the implementation will change from kid to kid and will change as they are in different developmental stages. When parents take a class and then implement what they believe they heard without really knowing how to assess the effectiveness they wind up confused and overwhelmed. Then they throw it all out the window and say “well that didn’t work”. I really encourage folks to seek out one-on-one support if your kid is struggling with behaviors at home and at school. An individualized approach will be more effective faster.
Always Give Choices? Love and Logic does not say that it is your responsibility to always give your children choices. If that’s what you walked away from your training with, you got the wrong idea. At the foundation of Love and Logic is an understanding that children DO have choices weather you like it or not. They can choose to throw a temper tantrum if they want to. They can choose to climb on the furniture if they want to. They can choose to ignore your instructions or stay out past curfew. Ultimately, you can’t control your child’s choices. You can’t control anyone’s choices but your own. BUT, you can control their environment and that will impact their decision-making. So, yes, sometimes the choice is “You can choose to continue to throw this tantrum and have your toys taken away or you can choose to handle this differently and we can have a fun afternoon”. Or in Dr. Sax’s example “You can choose to let the doctor look at your throat or you can choose to be restrained while he looks at your throat.” “You can choose to stay up past curfew and your Dad and I can choose to take away the car keys.” Love and Logic asks you to be clear on what you do have control over and what you don’t and be honest about that with yourself and them. You control their toys, their ability to go on outings, their access to cell phones their access to the car etc. But you do not choose how they behave.
Love and Logic does suggest that you give children choices when it doesn’t matter much to you. I believe this confuses parents so let me clear it up. The idea is that you are giving them the ability to make decisions as often as they can. This makes it easier to draw a hard line later because you showed them that you do give them autonomy when you can. It also gives kids the opportunity to use their decision-making skills. So, “Bedtime is in 20 minutes, would you like to read a book or would you like to play quietly with your toys?” Bedtime is not the negotiable part. The choices are not endless, you gave two options that are acceptable to you—notice TV wasn’t one of the options mentioned. And if they say “But I want to watch TV” you can say “I’m sorry, that’s not one of your options, would you prefer to go to bed now instead?” If they say “I’m not going to bed” you can say “It would be sad if you chose not to go to bed on time and your bedtime got moved to an earlier time tomorrow.” So, yes, look for options to give them choices—but the choices are always ones that are acceptable to you. If there is only one option acceptable to you then their choices are between doing that thing and having a consequence. Done.
Avoid Saying No: Okay, let’s be clear here. Children NEED to learn what ‘no’ means and they need to learn to be comfortable with being told ‘no’. This is a life skill. Please, please, please do not remove the word ‘no’ from your vocabulary. Having said that, I think parents over use the word ‘no’. The first problem comes when parents say ‘no’ before really thinking through why they are saying it. This often leads to back tracking on the ‘no’ later. When you first say no and then they negotiate and wear you down and you then say yes you have set yourself up for a future of arguing, negotiating and an inability to say ‘no’ without a battle. I suggest to all parents to think for at least a minute or two before giving a yes or no answer to your kids. In that minute, allow yourself time to determine why you’re saying ‘no’ and also to determine if you’re willing to fight to the bitter end for your ‘no’. If not you’re setting yourself up for failure. No needs to mean no, no matter what. If you’re not sure don’t say it. There are also times when you can avoid giving a hard no and it will actually make your life easier. I love the phrase “Yes, when”. “Mom, can I go to my friend’s house tonight?” “Yes, when your room is clean and the dishes are done.” “Mom, can I get a tattoo?” “Yes, when you’re 18 and legally able to make those decisions for yourself.” You may be surprised at the reduction of power struggles and increase in compliance you see by using this little phrase. The limits are the same, but the phrasing is more motivating for kids.
But sometimes the answer is no and needs to be. “Mom, can I go on spring break with my friends by myself this year” says the 14 year old. “Nope”. “But why!!!!!!!??????”. “I’d be happy to talk with you about my reasons and help you have a fun spring break. I will not have that conversation with you if you are going to argue or yell.” “Well I’m going to go anyway!” “Gosh, it would be a shame if we had to call the police because you left the house without permission. I know you’re upset but I do think you’re way too clever to make that decision.”
Am I Doing It Wrong? I like to remind parents that parenting is an art, not a science. Picasso and Van Gogh were both incredible artists but they did it very differently. This is true for parenting. There are some no-no’s of parenting that are universal (don’t abuse or neglect your kids for example). There are also some things that are great ideas for most families (clear expectations, empathy for your children’s feelings, and consistency for example). But overall, each parent has to do what works for them and their family. This involves a balance of personal values, temperament of all family members and resources available. So the better question might be “Is this working for us?” If you feel like you are battling all of the time, it’s probably not working for you. If you feel like you have no control or authority in your home, it’s probably not working for you. If you are getting constant complaints from school, it might not be working for you (or the school might not be working for your child, but that’s a different topic). If your kids have a relatively stable mood (based on their developmental stage) are successful in school and with peers and are following house rules most of the time it’s probably working for you. This is true even if they get angry and storm off sometimes. This is true even if they say they hate you. This is true even if they say that they hate the way you talk to them like a counselor. And if you’re not sure if it’s working for you, there are professionals that can help you get clearer on this.
So the next time you put all your eggs in one parenting approach basket use your instincts, your best judgment and your knowledge of your family before buying completely into the idea. AND take the pieces of these parenting approaches that work for you and use them, leave the rest. If you are interested in individual support, I provide parent coaching in the office and remotely.